Midnight insanity (or how Nate got himself to sleep)

Or close enough anyway. Last night at about 11:30 Nate woke up crying. I checked him, rocked him until he fell asleep and put him down. As soon as he got to the crib he woke up screaming. Nothing wrong, just wanted to be held. So y'all I decided.

This is it.

Time for Nate to start going it on his own.

So I walked away.

The boy screamed and screamed and screamed, and then screamed some more just in case I wasn't listening (or had suddenly been struck deaf). I didn't know what to do, I didn't feel like I could just sit and watch TV while he was screaming, so I shut off all the lights and sat in the dark and watched the clock. It felt like my heart and my stomach were trying to tear their way out of my body and take as many other organs as they could with them.

About twenty heart-pounding, gut-wrenching minutes later I went into his room. He was flipped over and crying like his heart was breaking. Y'all I felt like a monster. Like how could I possibly do this to my child. But I've been reading books, and believing some of what people-who-know-better-than-me are saying about this whole sleeping thing. So I sucked it up. I put him on his back, put his pacifier in his mouth, sperad the blanket over him and left.

And you know what?

He stopped crying.

And more than that....

He went to sleep.

I still sat up for another hour or so biting my nails and listening for every little sound. Justin thought I was nuts when he got home from work and found me sitting in the dark looking tragic (drama queen) and mumbling to myself.

Tonight I was feeding him and he fell asleep during cuddle time. I secretly breathed a huge sigh of relief. I wouldn't have to go through it all again (selfish aren't I?). A half an hour later he started to cry. Well, just repeat last night. Only this time it was fifteen minutes and I felt just as crummy.

But it seems to be working. I hope so or I need a waaaaaaay thicker skin.

And some tequila, lots of tequila.

Happy 6 months Nate!

My little dude is half a year old today! To celebrate I'm doing what I always do--writing in my blog and posting pictures. Oh, and drinking chocolate milk. Mmmmmmmmm chocolate milk.

And didja see the picture below of my two boys? I mean how freakin lucky can a girl get having these cuties around, and also the cutest dog in the world.

I've recently discovered that shopping for baby clothes is way more fun than (or just as equally fun as) shopping for myself. I really have to restrain myself cause kids clothes are pretty expensive, and he's gonna grow out of them fast. Having said that, I'm keeping an eagle eye out for sales and stuff and there are just some things I can't resist. When I'm looking at kids clothes is the only time I'm even close to regretting I didn't have a girl. I mean, wow those clothes are cute, and there's like three times as much to choose from in girls clothes as boys. Mostly I've just been looking though, and trying to save my pennies in the new world of expanded family and reduced income. So enough superficial me (I can't help it, I do like my stuff), I promise not to mention shopping or stuff again in this post.

Nate and I are heading off to Halifax in October for a couple of weeks to visit my family before I go back to work. If anyone thought having a kid would make it less likely that I'd come home as often, well, they be wrong apparently. This will make the third time since Nate's birth that we've headed back east. Just me and Nate this time. Justin and Snoops are going to stay home and have some momma and baby free time. I know my folks are looking forward to spending time with Nate, and it will probably be the last time for a while, since it's back to work for momma Tirade in December.

Happy 1/2 birthday Nate! Can't imagine life before you came along!

Awwwwwwwwwww

Mommy is a lush

So I went out last night and got toasted (no I didn't finally succumb to insanity, grab a bottle stuff it in a paper sac and crouch in some dark corner drinking alone). My supercool friend and I (one of my supercool friends, y'all they are all so talented) went shopping and decided to go for drinks afterwards. So off to Monsoon we went and had yummy masala fries with banana ketchup and beer. Lots and lots of beer. Beer that if I had bothered to translate might have warned me what I was in for. The yummy beer in question was called la fin du monde from Quebec. Unless I miss my guess that means 'the end of the world' and let me tell you, the headache I had felt like the damn world was ending. Yummy though, so very yummy that when the subject of splitting another bottle (a big big bottle) came up I thought " 'sonly beer, sure." Had I stopped to check it, I would have found that this beer is like 10 percent alcohol. Y'all, I was having such a good time that it so wouldn't have mattered. I was past tipsy, and I hadn't been past tipsy since before Nate was born. I had an awesome time.

I really like these moments of pre-Nate life where I get to chill, have a drink, go shopping, have a coffee or do whatever. I'm almost giddy when I grab one, and I try to max it out. But you know what? Coming home to my kid is the best, and I wouldn't trade the way life is now for the way it was for anything.

And boy I felt like crap this morning.

First time on a swing

Uber-mommy?

So, I've been wandering around mommy blogs this morning while watching The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. This article caught my eye. I had to read it y'all. It's basically about how mothers of my generation try to kill themselves trying to be 'perfect mommies' and the anxiety of trying to be so perfect and to raise the perfect child (and sometimes to do this while working full time to boot) is killing women body and soul. So I thought about this a little. I have been scouring books and the internet for the best and most perfect information on feeding my child solids. I have been obsessing. How much should I feed him, what would be the perfect nutritional balance, the perfect foods. What does this book say? And that pediatrician? And sleeping through the night? He should be doing that--I must develop new strategies in order to achieve this. Now, I'm not all as obsessive as this makes me sound (I think), and I'm the first person to tell other women that this perfect mommy crap is...well...crap. But I must admit I have always suffered from over achieverism and the need to get everythig right. I had to be top in academics, at work etc. The stakes are even higher with a kid--cause what if I screw it up? It would be all my fault (and I don't want to fail at mommyhood), and what if I wreck my kid?

Sounds stupid when I say it like that doesn't it? So, even though I'm not crazily dragging Nate to every activity and developmental class in the world, worrying that if he doesn't get into the perfect schools his life will be ruined and trying to squeeze every moment of his day into constructive baby mommy time I think I still got some stuff to work on. Of course while I'm writing this Nate has crawled over to the cord from the laptop and has started chewing on it, bad mommy Tirade. Neglectful. Terrible.

In the end I think about my parents who did a great job with me and my brother. They were in their squeaky new twenties when they had us, had very little in the way of money, and raised two children who are fairly well adjusted and love them to bits. I do remember times when we drove our mom nuts fighting. I know she worried about us like all parents do, but I think she wasn't so concerned about nor was there so much pressure on her to be absolutely everything to her kids and to mold us into perfect human beings mentally, physically and emotionally.

If I can do half as good a job as my mom, I will be proud.

Big boob dilemma

If they can put a goddamn man on the moon, teleport light, clone sheep, and get the caramel in the caramilk bar, why can't they make a nursing bra that not only fits but works like it is supposed to and not break, oh, and makes your tits look good too (since I'm asking for the impossible I might as well ask big). To date I have toasted at least a half a dozen nursing bras (in the only model that fits me well enough that I don't want to scream and rip off). Most were in underwire related incidents that were not pretty and in once case caused bodily harm. The other sad excuses for nursing bras in my posession have weird snaps that booiiing off af awkward moments, itch, or don't sufficiently hang on to big boob properly. Yesterday I gave up and bought a regular bra figuring that I could wear it when I'm out and not nursing, and at home I can switch back to tank tops, which seem to be the breastfeeders best friend. I don't breastfeed much in public, not because it bothers me, but because my bad wrists make it difficult to feed without pillows for support. Anyhow, even shopping for regular bras I could only find one that I liked in my size (I'm all inflated with the milk and there really isn't much choice out there for one of my, um, stature).

So what the hell?!?!? I know I'm not the only one out there who has this problem. We have apparently come far enough that breastfeeding is the norm, but not far enough that we can be properly and comfortably equipped to do it. At least not if we are women who don't fit the curve of being 'normal' sized (in Vancouver this means tiny). I once read a statistic that said only a small percentage of plus sized women breastfeed. No small wonder. It's also a bitch finding clothes when you are pregnant and plus sized (especially ones that don't either infantilize you or make you look like an old lady).

Okay, bitch session ended. I gotta go feed my kid.

All smiles

Anyone want some stuff?

Holy moly! How can one little house hold so much stuff? We are making some progress on the getting rid of crap. It seems though, that for every one damn thing we throw out there are a kagillion things that need to follow it.

In other news, my child has a temper y'all. We are starting to notice a way bitchy side to Nate as he gets more and more independent. He definetly has specific ideas about the things he wants to do and serious attitude for those who come between him and his objectives. It is as we both feared, he may be inheriting his mother's single-mindedness and temper (although it is very hard not to laugh at him sometimes). He is a pretty happy guy though, which I'm sure he gets from his dad! I think he is going through a bit of a developmental spurt yesterday and today. He can't seem to sleep for anything but short stretches of time and is kind of twitchy in a non-stop motion flailing kind of way.

I've started to accept that there will be very few 'normal' sleep days. If he's not teething, he's got something else going on. I figure there's so much going on with the growing little dude that we are lucky we aren't up around the clock.

Once this morning I woke up to him patting my cheek. He was staring at me like I was the most fascinating thing in his entire world, and for one second I really was. I'm thinking parenthood is addictive for this reason--you are it for a while--the kid's whole entire world. If you are a nurturer like me, its like crack. You also get to introduce them to everything and watch them learn!!! It's going to be so cool to see him come into his own, develop opinions and personality, even if it's more like mine than I'm comfortable with.

Though that doesn't bode well for his teen years.

Time to clean house!

For the past couple of days we have just been catching up with nothing in particular but each other and Nate. It is nice not to have to have a particular schedule, an empty house, and no one else to worry about. I've also been making plans. This usually makes Justin afraid, 'cause it means I've got lots of stuff for him to do. Now that his parents have gone I want to completely redo the spare room and put Nate's crib and other stuff in there. This means moving all kinds of furniture and cleaning out all the storage spaces and throwing out all kinds of stuff. We have so much crap in our house y'all, it be insane. So I have declared war on stuff. Not all stuff (I havn't lost my consumerist edge), but all the useless stuff that I don't want or don't need but have been holding on to for I dunno what reason. Our problem is that Justin and I both like to accumulate stuff in various shapes and sizes. Now that we have a baby we have all kinds of extra stuff to find places for, and it won't all fit. So busy busy days ahead.

Nate is, as my mother would say, 'a going concern' (I've never figured out what exactly it means, but you get the general idea). He's crawling better and more often now, so that when you put him on the floor you have to keep your eye on him all the time. He has discovered that wires are yummy, TV remotes are also yummy, and Snoopy moves way faster than him. I can't believe how much difference just a couple of weeks makes in the development of one little baby. He now has two teeth that have broken through his lower gums. They are lovely, adorable, and painful for both of us. He is constantly making with the noisy baby sounds and almost always in motion. Yesterday I went through his clothes and got a whole bag of stuff (medium size garbage bag) that no longer fits him and will make the journey to his younger cousin.

It's like you know that he's going to grow up but there's this one part of your brain that is totally surprised when you see the evidence of it, like you think deep down that he isn't really going to change. I think this must be the same with most parents and their first children. Maybe once you have evidence of it with your first child, you expect it more.

Or I'm just an idiot.

Blog or shower?

You'd think it would be a simple choice, but it is fraught with complication. The child sleeps and I have only a narrow window of time until the world starts up again. In my idiot fashion I have chosen to try both and probably will do neither well. So here is some eye candy while I run off to get clean. My nephew Evan at one week.

In case anyone is wondering, the in-laws left on Friday evening. We are doing the freedom dance but it is tempered with the knowledge that Nate has two fewer people in his immediate life to love and cuddle him (but mostly the taste of freedom is sweet). Shower now. More Later.

Someone's got a fang!

Nate's first tooth has just breached the structural integrity of his gums. Finally proof that all the crap the poor little dude puts up with is worth something. It's a razor sharp little bump in the lower middle of his gums just to the right and when I say sharp I mean eeep! Sharp! He has been busy dragging all our fingers into his mouth and we can feel it. Big boob is NOT happy with the friction and now I have an owee spot. Justin's been calling him vampire boy all day.

Also we had yummy food today at the Budapest Restaurant in our hood. I gotta say y'all the duck is fracking fabulous! Superbly tender and crispy skinned served with fried potatoes, sour cherry sauce, apples and red cabbage. Everyone was really happy with it.

Except for perhaps the duck.

Auntie Tirade!

Please welcome to the world my nephew, Evan Peter Ginn. My mom says he looks like me, which is kind of sweet since my kid didn't look like me, somebody should. He seems like a peaceful enough kid here.

I am an auntie!

Weirder than that, my brother is a father!!!!!!

Give us your toast

Breakfast is getting more challenging every day. It used to be I'd have one little dog stuck to me when I ate, now my audience has doubled. Nate has been eating cereal steadily since we got back from Halifax and it seems to make him happy. Not as happy as he thinks he would be if he had the food that everyone else gets to eat, but happy. Justin had Nate on his lap while we were eating lunch today, and when the fork went by Nate he leaned over with his mouth open. I had been trying to wait until the reccommended 6 months but he had other ideas.

I've recently decided that I'm probably going to return to work in December. I have way mixed feelings about it, cause I'm going to miss him so much and miss all the stuff he does day to day. I'm hoping for a flex day so that every second week I will have a three day weekend and that will give Justin a day off and me an extra baby day (Justin will be doing child care weekdays and work weekends and I the opposite). It has been such an amazing thing that we can both be home with Nate for most of his first year.

Good for our sanity too!

Sitting up!

Mean mean Tirade

I'm a terrible person.

And ungrateful, besides.

Bad girl no more?

I'm not sure if it's just having to be so damn good and nice while Justin's folks are here or if it is the being a mommy thing sinking in, but the past few days I've had the urge to do something....bad girl like. You know, get a few more tattoos or pierce something or drop a few hits of acid or whatever. I think it must be the whiny rebellious teenager buried deep inside reacting to the three months of constant parental supervision. Lately I've been fraying a bit around the edges. Nate was reaching for the TV remote yesterday so I gave it to him figuring he couldn't hurt himself with it. Justin's mother took it away from him, making him cry. So I gave it back. She took it away from him. I gave it back. See where this is heading? Or at least could head? I mean seriously what's the big fucking deal with Nate playing with the remote? Do I need to point out that I am his parent and am capable of making these decisions on my own? I also listened to her tell Nate that "big boys don't cry" yesterday. I immediately replied "sure they do" and counted backward from ten three times to prevent me from saying something that would damage our relationship for the rest of Nate's life. Luckily he's just a little egg and doesn't understand sentences yet and no damage will be done. His folks are always telling me to be careful with everything all the time, watch this or you will spill it, don't write on that, this is hot, that is dangerous. I know this sounds really really petty, but I can break, spoil, or ruin any damn thing I want to IT IS MY STUFF! Three months is a long time y'all. I need my house back.

Grrrrrrrrr.

Quick but important

Nate can crawl forward now (a strange pushing crawl that he can do for short periods)! He can also sit up by himself for a little bit before he falls over. When he started to crawl we all ran forward and gathered around and cheered for him which I think freaked him out a little.

Who can blame him really?

Oh God!

I walked into a lululemon!

In my own defense, it was for my sister-in-law who actually does yoga and stuff and wanted some things taken back to Singapore for her. Still it was weird. For y'all who haven't heard or may care, the guy who started lululemon has publicly said some really racist stuff and has also dissed women of size. Needless to say, it is a wonder I didn't just burst into flames when I walked in.

Yesterday we braved Kits neighborhood, dodging frosted blond lululemon wearing women, parents with thousand plus dollar strollers and so on. We went into a baby store that was selling baby slings for $68.00. These turned out to be wide swatches of fabric sewn together on one end. I shit you not. And I thought to myself "honey, you need to drag out your sewing machine and sell stuff to people with more money than brains." This thing must have cost like five bucks to make.

Anyhow, we also went to TJ's and got a stroller caddy so I have somewhere to put my keys and water and got Nate some linkadoos because he seems to eat the things. Today is take your stroller downtown day. We are headed out for more shopping before Justin's parents head back home next week.

That's right boys and girls, next week.