Nate and Sosi - PEI 2008

Home again, home again.

So. We've done it. We are selling the house here in Vancouver and moving to Nova Scotia. We pretty much decided it was time when we were home this summer. Now we are off our butts and have taken the plunge. A neighbor has put an offer in on our condo and we have some promising leads on places in Halifax.

Wow.

It feels really odd to be doing this, even though it has been our plan for a long time. I keep wondering how we can leave all of our amazing friends behind. It kills me to think about this, we have so many wonderful people in our life. We really love Vancouver but the bottom line is that it is too tough to make ends meet here, and Nate (and us too) really needs to have family close. And let's face it, for the last few years we have hardly been availing ourselves of the whole urban Vancouver scene. It's nice to have the choice, but we aren't living here for the night life, you know?

I have some job stuff to sort out and we have some house stuff to sort out, but it looks like we will be landing in Halifax smack dab in the middle of winter. BRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

Guess we'd better get some snowsuits.

Also, I'd like to take thi opportunity to let anyone who might still be reading this sporadic blog to have a look at Justin's blog. I'm loving it and am finding things out from it that I don't know about his day to day. Is that scary?

Vaykayshun, cha cha cha! Vaykayshun, cha cha cha!

As you may already know we are on vacation. On Wednesday it will be two whole weeks with two more to go until we go back to Vancouver. The first week was totally about lying low and hiding out from the rain-of-biblical-proportions (Hello tropical storms). We were just hanging out at my folk's place and doing some cool kid in Halifax stuff with Nate. We hit the Museum of Natural History (where they have a butterfly house and a functioning hive of bees you can watch) and the Discovery Centre (where they make bubbles you can stand in). We also hit the public gardens on one very foggy evening and let Nate get freaked out by the ducks who like to get up close and personal (he did really like them though in the end). 

Nate loves my parents. He was completely mesmerized by my Dad (who he calls grandfather) and followed him around everywhere (as most kids and pets do). After a day or two he refused to let my mother go to work in the morning (stay here Nana! No go!). They got him a water table, let him run around through the sprinklers (on the nice two days), and were all around spoily spoily with him.  Then it was bye bye to PEI to stay with our friends Lori and Paul. 

How many ways can you say magic? The weather was lovely from the moment we left Halifax, the ferry ride went without a hitch, and the lovely and talented Lori was on the other side waiting to give us big hugs. The past days we have spent here have been the most relaxing time I can remember in a long while. Sosi and Nate are, for the most part, in love with one another and play great together and give us adult-types time to breathe with the play they can cook up between themselves. We have missed the Lopes family so much since they moved and are having an amazing time just chatting and shopping and hanging out and catching up. We will be so sad to leave in a few days. 

Y'all being in the Maritimes makes me go hmmmmm a little. I mean it always does in the what-if way of the world but this time I'm giving it a really serious hmmmm. Can it be that the tirade is ready to move to a smaller city? Stay posted sports fans. In the meantime I'm hoping to catch up with lots more friends while I'm home. 

We took Nate to the beach today and he freaking loved it! We could barely get him home. He and Sosi spend much of their time in the backyard running around like little savages and splashing in the kiddie pool. Lori and I went to the local flea market this morning and found some great stuff for prices I was almost ashamed to pay. Island life is good. 

I'm so tired after a long day at the beach that I'm not even going to proof read. I'm just gonna click the friggin button. 

I am Legend

I ordered it from the cable company and sat down to watch it last night. It turned out to be a not-too-subtle-but-different-enough-to-be-interesting remake of a Charlton Heston movie called The Omega Man (which I have seen a few times and liked in a creepy cultie movie kind of way). I like Will much better than Charlton, by the way and I thought he did a great job. 

So y'all, when the movie finished I burst into tears for like 15 mins. Truth be told, this end of the world humanity screws itself through bio warfare/nuclear destruction/nature strikes back kind of stuff terrifies the snot out of me. The. Snot. Out. Of. Me. Also I am fascinated by it. 

My question is: why do I do this to myself? 

I saw The Day After when I was 13 years old and I have been terrified about living through some world changing, population killing, cataclysmic event eve since.  Guess what? Still scared (but hiding it better). 

Now that I have a kid these fears seem to be more attached to fearing what would happen to Nate if such an event were to occur. Call me crazy, but if/when the big whatever it is comes I think we will need more than bottled water to fix things. I know this fear is exacerbated by all of the mass tragedy around the world that has been in the news. And I have no survival skills. I know that. I would have very little to contribute to a post armageddon society. 

So what do you think? Am I going old lady everything is dangerous crazy? 

Off to the Big Smoke

I'm busy doing laundry and prepping for a business trip to Ottawa this week. I've never been there so I'm a bit excited. The really exciting thing is that I'll get to see my sister's family (including a new nephew) and my Auntie and her family while I'm there. Who knew there would be so much waiting for me in the Nation's capital?

I took Nate to get a haircut today. His hair is short (like short short). I felt like it was too much with the summer coming on for him to mess about with lots of hair. He went from baby to boy in 15 mins flat. I will post pics here soon. He also got a lolly from the hairdresser and was very excited. I think it might have been his first.

I got my hair done but no lolly.

Sometimes it sucks to be an adult.

Hot and Not

We have had two days of heat and sun and Vancouver seems to have exploded with flowers and summer, or maybe I just wasn't paying attention. 

One of my aunties is coming to visit us tomorrow from Ottawa and I am totally excited. I was very close to her growing up. Her parents used to make her take me on dates when I was younger, and it seemed like she had limitless patience (in retrospect) for her little chaperone. 

She moved from Halifax a number of years ago and has never met Nate. It makes me almost stupidly happy that she is going to come here to see us. I very rarely have the chance to show my family what my life is like out here in Vancouver. I guess I'm proud of what we have built here.

Mama Tirade

This morning my family let me sleep in to an unimaginable 9am (the luxury)! Nate woke me up yelling 'Happy Mother's Day Mama' at the top of his lungs. It sounds sappy, but it was music to my ears. This was followed by a very proud "I help make pancakes!"

They were lovely. Justin pulled Nate's step stool up to the kitchen island and he poured and stirred and then sat at the table with us while we all ate pancakes with golden corn syrup.

A great morning.

I love being a mom.

What the #@*&^%$ is wrong with me?

Y'all I'm tired.

This week I feel ground down to a chubby nubbin. Not pissed off, not self righteous, not fierce at all. I feel very un-Tirade-ish. It could be the heat in my cubicle at work that I'm sure is about a kazillion degrees when the sun shines in Vancouver (I yearn for but fear nice days). It could be my really crappy food choices (bad, bad ones, don't ask). I feel like all the good has been sucked right out of me. So today when I was staring at a woman who I supervise wondering why she wasn't doing my job instead of me (cause she is that frackin good and I feel tired and old an broken down) I think I hit on it. I need a vacation. An honest to goodness get the fuck out of Dodge vacation. I have been going non stop without more than a few days strung together off since I before I started my new job. I went from working a job with some insane overtime to a job where we created a new unit from scratch. Mighty satisfying but I think I'm pooped.

And what is worse? It means that I'm less present for my kid and mate and dog. That truly sucks. This is a good thing to realise.

Now to do something about it.

How the mighty (and ridiculous) have fallen

So I have a great job. A lot of people think it might be a bit depressing but it works for me. I am a little cog in a wheel that endeavors to help compensate survivors of violence. I love the work that I do and I take pride in it. I recently found out that our department will be absorbed into another department. A department I never would have wanted to work for and wouldn't have applied to work for at all, EVER (or so I thought) for very real ethical reasons. So here I am feeling like I've compromised something. I feel like one of little ghosts that pacman used to eat. I feel dirty.

Lets face it--I am unlikely to leave the work and the people I love (I seriously do love them all). What does that make me? I have stated often and loudly that I would not want to work for this place. Sellout. Turncoat.

Is this what it is like to grow up?

Hey, look at me!

New Promise

So you've all heard the promises of blogging to come, of renewed blogging etc. I am going to try to post sometthing every couple of days, even if it just a sentence. Let's see how it goes.

About 1/2 hour ago Nate came up to me grinning. He said, "I'm drinking water mama!" On a closer look I noticed that his face and shirt were covered with water.

*DING*

"Were you drinking Snoopy's water Nate?"

"Yeah, I a dog!"

Oh my.

Just in case anyone is still out there!

Nate wakes up in the morning now in his crib and plays. When he's had enough alone time he yells, just loud enough for us to hear, "Mama, Dada, where are you?" How freaking heart breaking is that? It works on me like a magic wand.

All the news fit to print

I dunno where to start really its been such a long time. I got a new job in September that has been keeping me pretty busy. I'm really loving it but sometimes I have these rashes of severe doubt about whether I'm doing a good job of it. I'm wondering if I'm unsuited to be a public servant. I'm too much 'say what I mean' and 'ask for what I want' and not really all that good at subtlety. Up until now I've considered these very very good personality traits and I think they've got me pretty damn far in life. But the truth is, it doesn't make me all that good at compromising, or suffering fools gladly. Luckily, I have the best and most supportive team in the world and they seem to like me just the way I am. But I'm worried that this will keep me from moving along in my career. I know I'm a pretty good manager but I think sometimes I come off as being too aggressive and not appropriately meek or diplomatic or whatever. Normally this wouldn't bother me, but I think there is a danger of me being interpreted as too pushy, or outspoken or assertive. Possibly this is just me being crap on myself -- I mean I'm relatively new to this sector of the workplace and have a lot to learn. Maybe I expect too much of myself to get everything straight off the bat. I am trying to learn, but don't want to be other than me, just a bit better than me if that makes any sense.

Nuff said.

In other news, Nate continues to be the most amazing and incredible kid I've ever had the pleasure to meet. He is talking in short sentences now and is interested in absolutely everything. He continues to love bubbles, doggies, pumpkins, stars and Diego and continues to hate avocado and having his face washed.

Some new things about Nate:

He loves dried mango and raisins more than cookies. He often stands in front of the pantry asking for cookies, and when you open the door to the pantry to give him one, he then starts chanting either 'raisins' or 'mango' until you dole them out. This is hilarious. He needs to have a sneaky approach to get them?

His best new word by far is "funny". He says things like "momma funny," "Dada funny," and best "Nate's Dada funny."

He gets pissy when you try to take off his yellow rubber boots that he wears absolutely everywhere.

He now says pease [please], dadum [thank you], ecum [welcome]. When he does something wrong he says sodee [sorry].

He has mastered most of the animals in his books and is still obsessed with shoes.

Even when he is driving you nuts, which he does quite often now that he is getting his second molars in and is cranky, you just have to laugh cause he is being a brat in such a single minded, intense fashion that you almost feel sorry for him.

So, here is my little update and I won't promise more like I usually do (I will try though).

Goings on

Nate is staring slack-jawed at Four Squares on TV and eating goldfish snacks. Perfect time for a guilty little blog. Time has been a precious commodity these days. For the last few weeks I've been doing lots and lots of overtime at my job, which meant 15 hour days and some weekend work. On the home front this resulted in a Momma who hardly saw her kid for days at a time, and a Dada who was going out of his mind stuck with a nutty 18 month old for waaay too long at a time. Then at the end of last week I got a call asking me if I would accept a deployment into another position and then to an acting position two pay grades above my own level. Not only is the work exciting, the pay better, the direction appropriate with where I see my career path going, but it is with people I really like working with. What is the problem you ask?

Me. I'm the problem. It's not like I haven't had this before. In both my MA and PhD I was freaked. I figured that at any moment someone would bust into the classroom and haul me out saying there had been some terrible mistake, and of course they hadn't meant to accept me, and how could I be so silly. Now y'all I know I am some degree of good, but I'm so terrified of fucking up that it makes everything a giant-assed deal. I'm working on it, really I am. But every new thing brings on a little attack of this. Hopefully I will be too busy in my new job to pay too much attention to it. I would sacrifice my right tit (hell take both of them)for just a little bit more arrogance right now.

To switch gears, Mr. Nate is flourishing. He has of late discovered temper tantrums that make me want to scream, but as our friend Lori says, it's nice to know that he has a little fight in him. He is mostly a very happy child, but dammit he is headstrong. He's connecting words into little bits like "dadda gone," and "what's that?" He is obsessed with bottles, whether they be pop bottles, shower gel bottles, beer bottles, whatever. He also wants to walk everywhere and gets thoroughly pissed when you put him in his stroller. Problem is, he hasn't quite grasped the concept of cars and road = smushed baby.

It's off to Nape time for nate.

bye

BSG

I just finished watching the season ender and OMG! It's not like I didn't expect some of it, but the way it was done was fabulous, and trippy, and a little gonzo. I've got a migrane and I still had to watch it (those of you who have seen it will know what a special weirdness a migrane will add to the mix).

wow.

Snip snip

Vacation good. Work bad.

Hey y'all!

The last few days at home have been fabulous! We've done the hanging around thing, the shopping thing, the going out here and there thing. This not going to work thing is fun. We haven't really been doing anything out of the ordinary, it's just nice to have the time to do all the normal day to day things that I'm usually not a part of like going for the morning walk, getting a coffee and hanging out, putting him down for a nap etc.

Nate and I did have one adventure on the weekend where we went to Langley to a berry farm with a friend and co-worker of mine and her son. After the berry farm we stopped by to visit her in-laws "farm" (which was really an estate of sorts where they kept horses). Nate was in complete awe of the big horses and fascinated by the foals. He spent lots of time just watching them and then petting their noses. After this we went to Fort Langley, which is a charming little town where we ate fish and chips with the kids, and then made it home in time to watch the fireworks (well except for Nate who needed to sleep badly).

Nate got to go to his auntie's birthday dinner at The Reef, which has very fine food and very very lovely pitchers of Mojitos. He was admired by a large number of the hard working and lovely women of JJ Bean.

Today Nate had his first real haircut (other than the bits I manage to snag off once in a while) and he was very well behaved according to the stylist. I will be sure to post a picture.

Today I bought an ipod for myself. And not a little ipod. A big sucker. I've been wanting one for a while and just decided to go for it. Thing is that I'm feeling so guilty about it I haven't even taken it out of the bag. I don't need it. I'm not a hard core tech junkie, and it's not like anyone really needs an ipod. Nonetheless I want it. For those who don't know it already, I do two things when I'm nervous. I eat. I shop. I've been embroiled in this icky situation at work lately which came to a head on Friday JUST BEFORE I LEFT FOR VACATION. No kidding. Lucky me. So I've been thinking about it and eating and shopping. One chocolate cake in the 'fridge and one ipod in my bag = one Tirade entirely uninterested in going back to work. This would be so much easier if I just kept my head down and didn't worry about stuff like accountability, responsibility, and teamwork. Silly Tirade.

So here I sit bloated from eating cake and staring at a shiny black new toy.

If I take the plastic off, I have to keep it.

I'm so like my mother.

I came home from work today and Justin said, "Guess what? Nate went on the regular swings today." And I was like "WHAT? BY HIMSELF?!" Then I ranged into a rant about how it's not safe for him to do that yet and he's not old enough and if he falls and cracks his head open how Justin'd be sorry to have to haul a screaming bleeding and hurt child into the emergency room and how now Nate will expect to go on the big swings from now on and it's not pretty you know when the bleeding and stuff and x-rays blah blah blah. I still feel like I was right and it is far too soon for Nate to be on the big kid swings for all of those reasons. HOWEVER, I can't help but think of my mom when we visit Halifax, 'be careful of this,' or 'don't let him bump his head,' or 'watch out for that.' I have oh so smart and tough answers about how he isn't made of glass you know and he has to learn some things on his own and how we can't protect him from everything. RIIIIIIGGHHT

So.

I have to get it into my brain that he will eventually get pretty banged up. I mean I had to get stitches more imes before I was 10 than I had dolls to play with. And getting hurt never stopped me. Now Nate has the potential to be at least that determined, destructive and stubborn. Still, part of me wants that to never happen, to never see him in pain, to wrap him up so he doesn't get hurt. I came upstairs to check my email and the picture above was on the computer screen, taking up the whole thing. I was so proud for him and happy for him and sad that I missed it I could have cried my eyes out on the spot.

Fuck this shit is hard.

Did I mention I still think I'm right about the swings?

What shall I be?

Is it weird that I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up? I've been in this weird mood about work the past little while. I'm looking around and sussing things out and asking myself what my future career plans are. Do I want to stick with this government thing? If so, do I want to go into a management stream, try to fit somewhere else or move to a different department alltogether? I have sort of been asking myself these questions as I've been rolling along but they haven't consumed me to this point. Now that I know I don't want to be an academic the PhD has lost a little bit of its usefullness (in terms of finishing it any time soon). I've been so many things in my work life to date; researcher, retail shop clerk, office manager, legal advocate, student, teacher, case manager, facilitator, house cleaner, receptionist, project manager, and even a telemarketer once way way in my past. I've been lucky enough to mostly find interesting work in my life and have enjoyed most of it, but lately I've been wondering what happens when I get bored. It sounds a little weird but when I no longer find things challenging and I stop learning new things I get bored (when I get bored I get cranky). Does this bode well for my future as a person who has like 30 more years in the workforce? I also have the opportunity to take some classes in my current job, but I'd really like them to be as useful as they can be to whatever I want to do next. But I don't know what that is. See where I'm going with this?

Well, I'd better get off to sleep so I can not be late for work tomorrow.

Cheeky so and so...

This is on my desktop currently. It is a great picture 'cause you can see the big boy he will turn into on of these days. It is also a really strange picture because Nate is really way more baby looking than this mostly.